“It’s because I have too much work to do”. That and similar versions of this sentence is what I told myself (and others of course) when it came to justifying why I was tired, irritated, or sometimes lacked the time for friends, for work out or why I simply didn’t do anything besides working.
But it’s never the amount of work, stupid.
In my last corporate role and I was promoted to a senior leadership position. It was one which included managing teams, having responsibility of a major budget. I had to restructure teams, come up with ideas, a strategy and a new direction.
This also meant completing yet another PP deck by EOB, preparing for several meetings the next day (each was the most important one), wondering how to approach more senior people, preparing how to be the best manager for team members, prepping redundancy conversations, and trying to stay on top of a myriad emails and MS Teams messages.
On top of the business stuff I had to decide where to go for lunch (and whether to go alone .. I know that’s a so called first world problem, but it adds to all the decisions), wondering if 5 coffees at 10am was one too many, thinking that picking up smoking again would give me some relief.
Also wondering if maybe tonight I could finally sleep again, thinking of what the next day would bring, the week ahead, and trying to figure out what was really important .. cause every so called stakeholder seemed to have other priorities (talk about the need for alignment).
Many nights I was not sleeping properly while ruminating over work and things I said or was supposed to say. My mind was on overdrive most of the time. The night should give you a good rest, it rarely did, the morning should ease you into the day, it also rarely did.
But no, it was never about the amount of work.
This is what I had to learn first. And it’s only now that I can see it.
The biggest struggle, the suffering, came from my thoughts. From the belief that what my mind was telling me constantly, it had to be the truth. There was no second guessing.
There was only the desire to push those thoughts away, to try to keep them at bay, as if this alone would make it any better.
But it never did.
I had to open my eyes, I had to go through meditation, breathing exercises, learning about the brain, to an occasional glass of wine after work before it simply dawned on me .. even thought it seemed too simple.
Too simple to be true, too simple to be good.
“You are not your thoughts”.
And with that, suffering, a complicated life, judgment all faded. I never thought I could ever understand this phrase, I always thought it was some spiritual woo-woo, but it’s not. It doesn’t matter whether you are spiritual or not. You are still not your thoughts.
What’s different now you wonder?
The thoughts still come, but nowadays they’re like a visitor, and sometimes it’s time for the visitor to leave.