Summary

Telling a child not to be afraid of the dentist usually results in one thing. The child is now afraid of the dentist. Same goes for stress. Here's what to do instead.

Have you ever noticed the striking similarity between telling a stressed adult to “relax” and telling a frightened child not to fear the dentist? The result is often the same: an escalation of the very emotion you’re trying to alleviate. Just like the child who now fixates on the impending dental doom, the stressed adult finds their anxiety amplified by the dismissive command.

It’s akin to pouring gasoline on a fire. Adding phrases like “Take it easy, it’s not that bad!” only serves to exacerbate the situation, invalidating the person’s experience and creating a sense of isolation. The well-intentioned advice, meant to soothe, ends up creating more stress.

Acknowledging being stressed

So, if “relax” is counterproductive, what’s a more effective approach? Whether you’re trying to help someone else or manage your own stress, the key lies in acknowledging the feeling, not denying it. “Relax” implies there’s no room for the stress, that it’s an inappropriate or unwanted emotion. Acknowledging it, however, is a validation, an acceptance.

Instead of dismissing the stress, try a simple reframe: “This situation/task/person makes me feel stressed.” This subtle shift transforms the emotion from an abstract, overwhelming force into a tangible experience that can be examined.

From “I Feel Stress” to “I Believe This Situation Makes Me Feel Stressed”

Take it a step further: “I think/I believe that this situation makes me feel stressed.” By introducing the words “think” or “believe,” you create a crucial distance between yourself and the emotion. You’re no longer identifying as the stress, but rather recognising it as a perception, a thought pattern (also read my post on letting go).

This distinction is significant. It moves the stress from an overwhelming identity to a manageable experience. It helps you understand the root cause of the stress, providing a pathway for dealing with it constructively. You might even begin to see that stress, like all emotions, is a temporary phenomenon, a fleeting moment made up of thoughts that come and go.

The Art of Dis-identification

The underlying principle here is dis-identification. It’s about recognizing that you are not your emotions or your thoughts. They are simply occurrences within your awareness, transient events that don’t define your essence.

This leads to a profound question: are you your thoughts, or do thoughts simply appear in your mind? This fundamental inquiry can spark a deep and insightful conversation, leading to a deeper understanding of your own consciousness.

Helping Others Without Giving Unsolicited Advice

In many conversations, people aren’t seeking advice; they’re seeking to be heard, to be understood. This simple reframe can be incredibly helpful in these situations. By acknowledging their emotions without offering unsolicited solutions, you create a safe space for them to express themselves.

Instead of saying “You should relax,” you can say, “It sounds like this situation is causing you stress.” This validates their experience without imposing your own perspective.

By mastering the art of acknowledging emotions, both in yourself and others, you can create a more compassionate and understanding environment. It’s a simple yet powerful tool for navigating the challenges of stress and fostering deeper connections.

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