This is how I used to see myself: ‘The coach as your thinking partner’. And I know it resonated well with my clients. I saw my role as someone who helps you arrange your thoughts, think about thought patterns and generally support you in making sense of thoughts.

But is it still what I do?

The illusion of control

I saw that the work helped my clients to become clearer in their thinking. They got to the root of what was holding them back from getting the solution they needed.

It was like a mist lifting. And I could see this happening over and over again.

But perhaps, as I now realise, this is only half the story.

As I delved deeper into my experiences with clients, as I read and researched more on topics such as thinking, beliefs and consciousness, I was suddenly faced with questions:

Do we think consciously? Are our thoughts the result of actively directing them? Or, on the contrary, could they just appear? Could thoughts simply appear and disappear like a cloud on a sunny day?

How would this change my approach to coaching?

Does your thinking need a partner?

Non-duality says that everything is awareness. In fact, there is no separate doer of anything. Look at it this way: Life unfolds. It just does. All you have to do to witness this is to open your eyes in the morning and you’ll see that life is in full process.

Just as easily, thoughts will pop into your head. Do you know what your next one will be? I challenge you to answer that question.

And also let me know what comes up.

We can go a little deeper.

One question I like to ask clients when they’re not only caught up in their thoughts, but in identifying with their thoughts, is this: What is in between your thoughts? That moment between what is called ‘active’ thinking. What is there? And what would you call it?

Is it empty space? Is it awareness? Is it you?

And I am not asking for an obvious answer. I’m not a scientist and I can’t explain these things scientifically. But the reason I ask this question is that it helps my clients to change their perspective. And often it helps them to stop the overthinking pattern immediately.

To answer the unexpected

It’s hard to answer what you haven’t thought about. And often my clients are surprised to find themselves discussing more philosophical concepts in a coaching session. But that’s the point.

You want to get out of your comfort zone and out of your normal habits or patterns.

In order for the coaching session to be successful, you may need a moment of surprise. Something to stop you in your tracks.

And that’s what these questions do.

But they also bring a surprise learning to the fore. A realisation that the way you think about thinking might be misinterpreted. That you don’t actively drive your thinking, but that thoughts simply arise. This also means that you’re not as much in control as you thought you were.

If your head is spinning at this point, I completely understand. I am trying to convey a message that I usually deconstruct in coaching programmes, which can take several sessions.

Letting go of control is a relief

And that’s the point: Recognising that thinking isn’t something you do, but is essentially done to you, can be a source of relief. Recognising that you are not your thoughts can be a relief. Because it means that you can just observe your thoughts, let them pass and that’s it. Bad ones, good ones, any of them.

It also lets you start to see that so often in life you are not in control. And that’s a good thing.

A bad or negative thought no longer has the power to keep you in a bad mood for a whole day. It can come, you see it, you recognise it, and then that’s it. It goes.

It doesn’t matter where it came from or where it is going.

The illusion of the coach as your thinking partner

So, in a strict sense, yes, as a coach I am your thinking partner. I help my clients to unravel their thoughts or thought patterns. I help them make sense of things and see things more clearly.

But with that comes the realisation that thinking, like life, happens. Whether you want it to or not. You don’t have to choose to think. It just happens.

And although it may seem very abstract in the context of this text, it is ultimately what gives you a sense of agency. You just have to experience it.

Thanks for reading!

Als connect with me on LinkedIn, where I post daily, but shorter.